Confessions of a Poet

I started this web site, DesertSnow.org, in January, 2004. It now receives thousands of visitors every month. It has been a continual drain on my resources, but I have committed my life to it.

When I tell people, "I manage a web site for those who have lost loved ones, and to encourage anyone who is having a rough time of it," I get all kinds of responses. Many people become uncomfortable, and they drift away from me, or change the subject. Many people find this somewhat strange - the idea of having a web site like this.

To me, going to this web site is like riding a bus. When you first get on, everyone looks at you - it feels uncomfortable at first. But then you find a place and sit down. The bus starts out, rocking everyone to and fro, and you can hear the air brakes sound off. Then you look around, and most of the time everyone just stares ahead. It's like riding with maniquins - you know people are alive, but they just stare ahead, motionless. Some talk on cell phones, as though they are the only one on the bus. As the bus arrives at various stops, people get off, and most likely you will never see them again.

But this bus is different than any other, because no one riding this bus wants to be on it. People get on and off of this bus, but getting on (especially at first) can be very hard.

At some stops, I can hear people crying out, "No - not me - this can't be happening to me...I won't get on...I won't get on!" Then, you see them struggle up the stairs, pay the "emotional" fare, and sit down, staring at the floor. I look at them intently, but they look away, frightened. I can hear them, I can see them, I know they are out there. They want to hide, but they can't; they have lost someone they love, maybe the most important person in their life.

I first got on this bus because of my brother-in-law. He killed himself when he was 22. He was a straight-A student, and had everything a person could ask for. But he hit a bad streak in his life; his girlfriend left him, and some other events happened, and he was convinced he couldn't handle it anymore. His best friend found him; no one had any idea he was planning to take his life. It tore our family apart, and the damage hasn't gone away, even though it's been years since it happened.

I began to notice that people don't get over this kind of event very quickly. You don't "Get closure" and "Get on with life" in 3 easy steps over a couple of months. Later on after his death, when I was laid off my job of 13 years, I began to have dreams about people who were all alone, crying in the night. They had no one to help or understand because they had lost a loved one (and couldn't get over it). I had this dream on many occasions, and then I decided to start a web site.

I believed that people needed a place that was always open, always free, and always there for them. Some people won't talk to anyone; they carry a huge load of grief, but they carry it alone. They refuse to open up. But this site offers an "emotional mirror" - a place where they can see themselves, and what they are going through. When you can see yourself, and see what is wrong, it helps. You can't go around the process of grief; you have to go through it. It's not easy - ever - but it is a process, a journey through a valley that is long and hard. DesertSnow.org is a sort of "bus" for people to ride; otherwise, they walk alone on the highway of life.

I started compiling my poetry, stories, and ideas, formatted them for this web site, and added more and more as time went on. This site has been a personal drain on me - sometimes a trail of tears. Sometimes I have struggled with thoughts that didn't make sense, and then they turned into stories or poems that someone needed. I have had dreams, nightmares, and visions of things during all hours. I can see the pain, I can see what people are going through, even from a distance, even for total strangers.

When they get on this bus, my tears are with them, my heart is for them, but they (most often) stay aloof. For some, I have taken a chance and written stories or poems for their loved ones and posted it, hoping that they would find it. I have never had anyone say, "Take it down; get it off the web site." In every case so far, they are very thankful that someone (a stranger) cares.

I haven't written something for everyone to whom this site is dedicated. Everything on here has come from struggle, from dreams, from times of darkness, dread, and emotions so powerful I cannot avoid them or deny them. Everything has come from a deep inner desire to know exactly what people are going through, and a desire to help them as much as I can. I do not pretend to know all the answers; but I sincerely believe I know personally the one who does, and the only one who can truly help them. He is the one that is most often blamed for everything, but who is also the one who is truly on our side. What people don't understand is that their enemy - death - is his enemy as well. Did you hear that? Death is his enemy.

The "Pictures of Heaven" have been the most difficult of anything I have done on this site so far. I have spent (literally) hundreds of hours working on these pictures. Some people won't like them - but that's OK; no one here on this planet has seen this place called heaven until they leave Earth. For a long time, I couldn't complete these pictures, because I didn't have a computer powerful enough to do so. After I finally found enough resources to put a machine like that together, they became a reality. This is a dream I have had for over 20 years. I know that people are taking this art and using it for various purposes, but I want to give those who are grieving something to hang on to. It may be hard losing a loved one, but not as hard as losing someone and having no hope.

The "Sea of Glass" in the 4th chapter of the book of Revelation has haunted me for as long as I can remember. I personally believe that gems beyond even the most priceless gems on Earth fill heaven, and "lowly" gold (the cheapest thing in heaven) is used to cover the streets. This is why the pictures of heaven are filled with gems and radiant floors. But the glory of heaven goes way way beyond that; it goes way beyond beautiful surroundings.

He will wipe away all tears. There is no more sorrow, no more mourning, or crying, or tears. No more keys, because we won't need to lock the doors, no more pain, no more saying "Goodbye." And most of all, we will be able to see and be with the person who made all this possible - Jesus Christ. I know this within me because of what the Word of God says, and because I know that he has led me through every difficult, tedious step of making this web site.

There are hundreds of pages of pictures, stories, poems, videos, and other features on this web site, and I believe that one or more of them will help you as you ride this bus. If you look to the side of your seat, there is a "book" called DesertSnow, and it is the work of my heart and soul. I hope that you will do more than just stare at the floor as you ride this bus, but that you will take into your heart the many things that are meant for you.

Every day is a challenge for people who are grieving, but I hope that you will ride this bus and read the things in this book; otherwise, you will be walking alone on the highway of life.

Randy Stahla

2010